October

The past month or so has been very interesting.  I’m not even quite sure interesting is the right word.

My life.. is changing so fast and so many people around me aren’t. Or is it me who’s changing? I’m not sure. The call backs are happening and happening quickly. It’s funny, I feel so confidant I’m terrified yet calm at the same time. Is that odd?  I also feel.. ashamed cause L is auditioning for programs and not getting called in.  I feel so weird.  I wish someone would cut her a break. Her teacher has been doing nothing but poisoning her soul lately with all this you have to sleep with someone to get ahead crap. 

I bet its hard not to have someone like God to tell your problems and put trust in.

An old" friend" came to  visit last night. It was really awful) good but awful. There’s that mixed emotion thing again.  I think the only reason she came was a chance to yell at me in person. She told me I was a bad friend, and that she had to move into another “Category in her mind” to be okay with me and who I am.

She called me a user amongst other things, and I sat there and took it.  Then started to drink just enough to stay calm. More importantly make the night go faster. Why I didn’t walk away I don’t know. I think part of me thought if I let her vent we could come to some final understanding… save this friendship.

So I got through the night, and woke up this morning feel immensely distraught and unhappy. Thinking I went out to dinner at one of favorite restaurants and did my favorite hang out things… but felt sad the next day. Why? I think I realized I needed to “Break up with K” it’s not that she yelled at me.. it’s when I told her about my life… and she had no real joy for my happiness, and when I told her…. About my intimate feelings about something she shot me down in a non helpful way. She wanted…. To hurt me. That whether it was a subconscious thought or not I don’t know. I’d rather have no friends then empty shells of friendships.  So I wrote her a check for the carpet and… tried to detach.  I don’t need friends like that.  Which means… I’m not going to have many relationships over when this years over.

To live your dreams means sacrifice. That’s for sure. However, it’s worth it.. I just know it.