The first Call back "Attack of the barbie dolls"

My trip to Michigan was fascinating!

To begin with from the moment I entered detroit DTW) I could tell I was in another World.  I honestly briefly thought I might have  gotten off at the wrong stop because the first language I heard over the intercom was Korean, and following that, chinese. However I learned very quickly this  was one of the most used airports into the USA for Business people coming in from China. So that explained that. Then I wondered over to Metro cars and cautiously approached them. I was informed in the most gracious manner my car was late. I was dissapointed but was prepared to accept this with grace when the man in charge told me he had upgraded me to a Limo  free of charg. Now, I learned two things how to take something amazing like as a blessing and act like I did it every day just like the Business guy's. So needless to say I arrived in style. ;-)

After I arrived at the hotel I hung up my clothes and went and literally INHALED  2 meals and passed out for 15 hours. The next morning I talked to gram and the rest of my support panel and went off to my audition. Boy was I not prepared for what came next. The audition had been moved to a Church and my time is right after service gets out! haha. weirdness.   So at first I hung out in the pews and prayed and then I turned around and what did I see?  8 women all blonde in purple and black little dresses sitting outside in the reception area STARING at me.

As I sat there in my suit and red hair I thought "Oh goodness.... I feel so out of place. So I got nervous and moved into the reception area where I recieved a chilly response. How you sit there without conversing and networking for an hour is beyond me) however I guess that's how this works. lol  So after lots of sizingg up and a meeting some stage mommies) yes 30 year old women travel with their mothers to these auditions I have learned)  it was finally my turn to sing. By then I was so shook up  I was not at my best. However I went up and said hello handed over my forms, and asked where I was supposed to stand since there was not a stage.  Apparently that was obvious too lol cause the director yelled at me. So a very educational experience indeed.  This Tuesday I have another audition not call back) for  Pittsburgh residency. My head is in two places. "One is nervous, but honestly, I tend to learn from my mistakes.  :-) my biggest concern at this point  finding the stupid audition place and what to wear... I really found wearing a suit does not make me feel very comfortable. and all my dresses are black or Purple.   LOL. So I need to find an audition outfit that makes me feel amazing. Maybe dress pants and a nice shirt? Goodness it's hard to figure out what the judges want. I think I'll just be fabulous show them who I am in 7 minutes. Being someone I wasn't sure didn't work last time. Oh well,  I havr this a recital, and 2 more Call backs as of now! I think trial, error and practice is what it's going to take to Master this. So this time I'll keep my mouth shut, and wear something wear I can feel my breath. ;-) Cest la vie!

Dimples and Iron.

It’s funny, the Opera world fascinates me. Like any other Venue we take ourselves so seriously.

Certain protocols are followed, music is memorized and then sung with “Passion” but precise calculation. I think sometimes it’s taken so seriously that the momentum of what we are performers, artists, directors,  make – up artists are taking part in is lost.

There are a lot of rules I will follow and changes I will make to further my art. I will sleep on a floor to audition for something where I think I have a chance to be part of something fantastic. I will wait in line, and work hours on end to bring something life on the stage. I will however not play this “ negative”  ridiculous game of power trips with myself or any other Musician. I will not lose my Jeness.  In this I will not lose my faith in God. I am going to sing, thank my lucky stars I have gotten this far and keep putting opportunities out to the universe with the mentality “ Maybe, just maybe.” Vs. there is no way I have what they want. I will not prove myself to Musicians who plan to abandon me but to the Music a much more powerful identity than any man could ever be. I will sing only what feels right, what can benefit me) vs. what’s convenient. I will do everything on this journey to my best ability and that will always be enough.

 I will make time to vent and cry. I will be curious and touch things even if I’m told I may not have them. I will laugh and enjoy every moment I can. When I am with my support system and team I will use their services in a mature fashion and let that be the time I reevaluate, replan and let myself rejuvenate.  That being said, if it kills me I will treat every Musician, artist, and anyone else I come in contact with on my journey with respect and kindness. Even if they do not show me the same. I will not make idle conversation out of gossip. I will remember my purpose and as my dearest friend in the world told me) this art found me. I love you God, it won’t be easy but I’ll keep my rainbows and my art blanketed by the softness of my lords cheek I will  sing with abandon. 

October

The past month or so has been very interesting.  I’m not even quite sure interesting is the right word.

My life.. is changing so fast and so many people around me aren’t. Or is it me who’s changing? I’m not sure. The call backs are happening and happening quickly. It’s funny, I feel so confidant I’m terrified yet calm at the same time. Is that odd?  I also feel.. ashamed cause L is auditioning for programs and not getting called in.  I feel so weird.  I wish someone would cut her a break. Her teacher has been doing nothing but poisoning her soul lately with all this you have to sleep with someone to get ahead crap. 

I bet its hard not to have someone like God to tell your problems and put trust in.

An old" friend" came to  visit last night. It was really awful) good but awful. There’s that mixed emotion thing again.  I think the only reason she came was a chance to yell at me in person. She told me I was a bad friend, and that she had to move into another “Category in her mind” to be okay with me and who I am.

She called me a user amongst other things, and I sat there and took it.  Then started to drink just enough to stay calm. More importantly make the night go faster. Why I didn’t walk away I don’t know. I think part of me thought if I let her vent we could come to some final understanding… save this friendship.

So I got through the night, and woke up this morning feel immensely distraught and unhappy. Thinking I went out to dinner at one of favorite restaurants and did my favorite hang out things… but felt sad the next day. Why? I think I realized I needed to “Break up with K” it’s not that she yelled at me.. it’s when I told her about my life… and she had no real joy for my happiness, and when I told her…. About my intimate feelings about something she shot me down in a non helpful way. She wanted…. To hurt me. That whether it was a subconscious thought or not I don’t know. I’d rather have no friends then empty shells of friendships.  So I wrote her a check for the carpet and… tried to detach.  I don’t need friends like that.  Which means… I’m not going to have many relationships over when this years over.

To live your dreams means sacrifice. That’s for sure. However, it’s worth it.. I just know it.

Sometime's it's good to vent.

                                                             Prelude to an Opera Singer  - JMV

Silver tinted water falls descend from my soul. My tears fall as I grieve for my lost destiny. Never ending harmonies that played in my inner being slowly diminish and I finally recognize what must be.

  Vibrant colors golden and ginger that once made sunshine, send powerful rushes of the red that is now my blood and The heavy transparent blanket that is reality settles on  my corpse and my pillow is acceptance. Sugar plums turn to dust and dream’s of greatness fall to the rich moist earth.

Come to my funeral, there will be jesters to stick needles in my heart and hot coal’s under my tongue.

Then you shall hear me sing. Oh such sweet notes shall my pain create as the dark sky glistens with Moonlight and the beam’s will dance as my soul is finally put to rest.